One of my favorite things about the week right after Christmas is the big headache of going through every last one of my presents that were clothes and finding getting them exchanged for clothes that are actually my size. This year I’ve been blessed with a jacket that was a size too small, a shirt that was two sizes too big, and a couple of shirts that shrunk right after I washed them. I know this because they were stylish, but now they are just suffocating.
But, all is not lost. Most of these are returnable (alas, the turncoat shirts will not be replaced, as they have had the condemning influence of laundry detergent all over them and have lost their smell), so there is no real damage done. In truth, I have already made a few voyages to insure that the cloth cut out in the correct shape is what I actually own. Therefore, having sallied forth and gotten my goods I have a leather jacket of almost criminal coolness and other assorted clothing.
I’m talking about my jacket because it has magical powers. No, I’m serious! You think I’m just talking for the sake of my blog, and that I need to spout sensational exaggerations to ensure the attention of my readers. I learned a long time ago that most of the people who read my blog don’t get past the first paragraph anyway, so why should I pollute my honest and benevolent page of emoting with such blatant misrepresentations of my own clothing? I do hereby declare the validity of my jacket’s magical prowess. It makes those who wear it transform.
I understand that it is almost impossible to understand the miracle, but let me explain what it is. Before Christmas I was, as many of you know, strange. Let us just say that I did not fit into the category of normal in any leap of imagination or of faith. Nor did I fit into the category of cool. I was a category all to myself, it appeared, and thus I preferred it. A few days after having purchased my jacket, though, I began to notice changes. I grew my sideburns out just a little. I combed my hair different. I even went so far to almost lay down my head on a girl’s lap, at which point my natural not cool defenders kicked in and forced me into a sitting position on the other side of the room. Either that, or the glare in her eye had made it clear that I was definitely not getting anywhere near her lap. Either way, I realized that something radical had happened. I had transformed into a normal nearly cool guy. I was stunned. How could I face my family? How could I face my friends? What would I say when their world was rocked with the realization that I no longer fit into the quietly crazy sidekick role?
I pondered over this turn of events for a long time. Then something happened. My leather jacket also seems to have a self defense mechanism, because it disallowed itself to be used when I was sweating. After having heaved a basketball around for a good two hours, I was not a pleasant picture. My jacket then refused to be worn. My hair went back to normal, and I’m pretty sure that my sideburns went back to where they were before. Suddenly I was quietly crazy! I was torn between relief and sadness at seeing this new side of me go. I think I cried. On the inside.
A new jacket does not stay unworn for long, though. Once again I tempted the waters, put on the jacket, and suddenly I was slightly cool again! It was irrational, but it was true. I had more comments about my clothes and about my looks then ever before. It was disturbing, and I didn’t know how to react. Mostly I made it a joke (which incidentally helped me become slightly less cool again). It was then I knew the truth. With my new leather jacket, I was a transformer.
To celebrate I shaved one of sideburns a little higher than the other, to show my now flip floppy character.
So there is a new hero to the scene. Major Bubbles, the amazing social phenomena! Seen now in hddvd…d…d. I am a Transformer!
No comments:
Post a Comment