On Engagement

I must be ADD. Because the title of this post made me think "On engagement, on!" Like cheering for it somehow would raise the spirits of just about any single guy out there who is looking for engagement. Is that what guys are looking for? I always thought it was a girl.

I just have a few thoughts about engagement. Well, thoughts on the general subject. My first thought is: I STILL do not understand what people mean when they say things about enjoying the engagement stage. I've had a few people tell me that I should live it up, enjoy being engaged, and all that. I don't really understand that, honestly. To me it's a little like saying "Hey, you starving man over there-you should enjoy smelling that home-made bread. Seriously, man, enjoy it." Sure, there is plenty to be enjoyed, but the excitement about what's coming makes me a bit impatient. That, and the fact that we decided to get married a month after getting engaged is making preparations crazy. And my mom crazy. It's making preparations and my mom crazy. I'm sure it doesn't help when I go bouncing off the walls, singing away about getting married in the morning and such. "Girls come and kiss me, show how you'll miss me. . ." Honey Bee, please don't be jealous.

Oh, did I mention that I'm getting married? I am! I'm getting married to the most marvelous kind of girl possible. Because she already has a nickname, I'll stick with it, and refer to her as Honey Bee. She's marvelous, and I'll spare all of the the run down about her numerous and various virtues. Let it be enough to say that I love her, and I'm looking forward to loving her more as time goes by. Which is very different from when time goes out. Or when time goes bad. Yeah, that's no good. Rotten time is at the heart of almost all indigestion problems.

I've also noticed that people love to tell you how excited they are for you. Just the other day, when my brother Basserpercusionist (it's been a while since I've referred to him in this blog so I hope that is his nym) and I were having a brothers day, he was so excited for me he told me so about ten times before I said I thought I had an adequate idea of how excited he was. I find it ironic that in a world where marriage is so often belittled, people still get really excited for others when they're getting married.

For my own part, it still feels pretty unreal. By that I mean that it doesn't really feel like I'll be getting married. I look into my future, and I see bacon. Okay, I don't really see bacon, I see me doing mostly what I've been doing for all my life. Marriage presents an entirely new world to me, one that, unlike the mission, my preparation has been second place until only a few years ago. I spent the first nineteen years of my life so focused on going on a mission, knowing that it was expected of me, and that I wanted to go. When I left of my mission I was gung-ho, ready to serve. So much so that I didn't feel any homesickness until about three or four months into my mission. It took that long for the shine of 'being on a mission' to wear off, and for reality of what I was facing to really set it. Coincidentally, that's about when my trainer got transferred.

The years since my mission have been anything but clear as to what my main objective should be. Marriage, definitely important, but education was also vital, as was choosing a career path. I arrive, then, on the engagement scene much less prepared than I was for the mission scene. Those who know me well know that underneath the bubbly exterior I enjoy having is a mind that deliberates to an almost faulty extent. I deliberate on most everything, and when I think the subject is eternally important I deliberate more than is probably healthy. Honey Bee will tell you that I certainly took my time making a decision to even date her, let alone marry her. I am certain that I have made the right choice and that I am going to have happiness greater than any I've known to date, and I'm excited for that. But how do you quiet a mind that is so used to weighing every possible outcome, especially the bad ones? It's my nature to think of what could go wrong, as well as how good things could be.

So I don't understand the enjoying of the engagement stage. I find myself in this limbo land where I'm excited on one level and concerned on another. I'm moving forward into something I don't know. It's dark there. Each step lights up a little (am I in a nintendo game?), but the future still has a lot of unknowns. Being engaged, I could still pull the plug (I'm not going to, in case you're worried. The certain/excited part of me is, in the end of the day, the stronger part), so my mind still works over what could go wrong, or how amazing it could be. I'm a peace loving man, especially when it comes to my own soul, so this limbotic (is that word?) stage I find myself in is not so much fun.

Still, it's pretty early in the whole thing. Heck, I'm getting married and the engagement is still going to be a pretty new thing. I have no doubt that when the day dawns it may just be a lot like when I went on my mission. The waiting will be over, Dad and Mom may cry, and I'll be excited out of my mind, to the point where I won't actually remember much of what happens.

I can't wait.

Quick Thing

So, I've decided that Facebook is missing something. An app that suddenly dawned on me. And because this blog is about Facebook, and because I don't much care for Facebook, actually, this is going to be a short blog. Because I've realized a power Facebook could give me.

I COULD MEET MY FRIENDS' FRIENDS.

Woah, that's right, hold on to your socks, because the power of that statement might just shift them a little. Or maybe I'm just trying to get you to stretch. Either way, can you see the power of that statement? No? Oh. Well, then. Never mind.

In all seriousness, though. Well, okay, maybe I'm running at about eighty percent right now. Which would not be enough serious power to avoid a Klingon. But, it would be enough to say that I no longer have to wait to be introduced to the people that my friends know. I'm going to start stalking them before I've even heard of them! Woo! Power to the people! And by people I mean stalkers! Yeah!

It is pretty cool that I can see who my friends know, though. Of course, Facebook friendships are so shallow, it's entirely possible that my friends' friends are only Facebook friends with benefits, you know, that give you sweet deals in farmville and the like. And that is the only benefit of a Facebook friend I could come up with.

I told you it would be quick.

100

I recently took a facebook challenge and answered one hundred questions about myself. Most of the questions were pretty bland. Things like what are you drinking now, what's your favorite color, have you ever kissed your best friend's sister's boyfriend's sister, that sort of thing. Apart from being obvious questions, I realized that they tell no one anything about me. At all. I mean, sure I get the latest scoop about the strange pathways love may take, but past that I divulge nothing from answering the one hundred truths. They weren't specific enough to be revealing, they weren't probing enough to be uncomfortable or embarrassing (not necessarily a bad thing) and they were nothing like me. I mean, the questions had no soul!

That's the problem with social networking. Those sorts of things always seem to be created by people who mostly just want to see how many people will repost them. Well, today I celebrate 100 posts, and so I'm going to answer 100 of my very own made up questions. Since I don't expect anyone to repost this, I am under no obligation to make these questions non-specific to myself. Oh, and as much fun as this will be, I reserve the right to answer the questions as cryptically as I want. After all, this the internet, and anyone can look, so answers on here will be for anyone, and I'm leery of answers for anyone. Answers for Anyone. I think that's what I'll name my band.

Question 1: What would you name your non-existent band?

Answers for anyone

Question 2: What would this band consist of?

People, a piano, three guitars, a harmonica, and an interpretive dancer who sometimes plays the tambourine.

Question 3: How do you deal with stress?

I punch a punching bag. Or I work out. I don't look like I work out, though. I also like to eat cookies and play music when I'm stressed. Only cookies will do, though. And stress cookies have to be crunchy, or they're ineffective. Stress Cookies would be a good name for a toy.

Question 4: What's your biggest fear?

Hurting other people on accident. I'm serious. I was always a little large for my age (as a kid, now I'm pretty average sized) and I was always scared I'd accidentally squish someone or something. Of course, that could have been a super power too, if I had looked at it right. I'd be like Poe from Kung Fu Panda. People would say "What're you gonna do, big guy, sit on me?" and I could say "don't tempt me" and then tummy bump them and knock them to the floor and sit on them, where they would be at my mercy.

Question 5: What fake super power would you have?

Well, since the heavy weight champion thing of number four is pretty cool, but a little unhealthy (think of the arteries!) I'll have to go with something different. Hmmm. . . if I could read minds I'd know if girls liked me or not, and I'd also become the worlds most amazing gift giver. If I could teleport I could visit anywhere I wanted to any day, and then come home at night. (why is it that teleportation is always limited to how far you can see? That's dumb) I think my favorite would be a super awesome duper brain, though. Then you could be like the mentalist, who basically seems to read minds. You could also create transporters (or really really fast crafts. Not like arts and crafts. Fast that kind of craft is a little weird) and you could use your amazing brain to act like a jedi. That would be pretty sweet.

Question 6: What real super power would you like to have?

As a clarification, a real super power is like a gift of the Spirit, if you're Mormon. If you're not Mormon a real super power is like a talent, only better because it's not always something that you can easily learn, and involves more than things like sports or music. I'd like to have the real super power of confidence/faith. It seems like most of the things that get done in this world are done by people who have confidence, not necessarily by the people who are the most naturally talented.

Question 7: You're stuck in a room for the next ten hours. What do you do?

Well, first I'd probably explore the room, see what there was by way of furniture, entertainment etc. Then I'd set about waiting to get bored. After I got bored (or antsy. Pretty close to the same thing? Oh, by the way, it wouldn't take that long) I would start thinking of a way to entertain myself. I'd probably start talking to myself. I'd check my email (if there was a computer), and then I'd look around for an opportunity to exercise. I would do push-ups, ab workouts, and if possible some pull-ups. It would take up a lot of time. Because I go really slow. If I had time left over, I'd probably let my mind wander.

Question 8: What's your favorite dessert?

Cookies. Specifically chocolate chip cookies that use oatmeal as part of the batter. Mmm mmm good.

Question 9: What's your favorite smell at Christmas time?

Pine. Freshly cut pine trees. I love the smell of freshly cut wood too, but that's not really a Christmasy smell.

Question 10: If you could go anywhere tomorrow (within normalcy) where would you go?

To a dance. Almost anywhere, anytime I'd love to go to a dance. Though most times I'd like to go with someone.

Question 11: What's one thing you wish your friends knew and understood about you?

How much I feel like showing vulnerability is like showing weakness.

Question 12: What's the first physical thing you notice about a girl/guy?

For me it's a combination of all facial features. Though, I must admit a very nice smile goes a long way. But then again, so do really beautiful eyes. They're almost mesmerizing. Like to enchant someone.

Question 13: What's the first non-physical thing you notice about a girl/guy?

There's a lot of possibilities here, because I find myself being impressed with girls a lot. How kind one is, how ready to have fun another is. How quick to laugh someone is, how easily someone gets along with others. How strong someone's convictions about what they believe is. How well what they say and do match up. Most virtues are fairly noticeable, especially if you're looking for them.

The one thing that most attracts me or I notice is how they express love for other people. I've seen a lot of girls who are really good at expressing that love. I'm kind of envious.

Question 14: What do you enjoy in your daily routine?

Hmmmm. My daily routine is fairly unpredictable at present. I get up late often, but sometimes early. I work out sometimes, but often don't. Bleh. I read/study sometimes, but often don't, I go to work almost daily, but that's probably not what I enjoy in my daily routine. If anything, I like the moments when my mind takes flight, almost literally, and my body goes chasing after it, shouting for it to come back so that I can think. But away my brain goes, exploring new avenues and venues and any other nue thing it can find. Ha. Nue. I think I just said I like daydreaming the most. That's terrible. Liking fantasy more than reality? That's a problem. Maybe I'll go eat a cookie...

Question 15: Who do you admire in your family?

Everyone. But because I know what the next question is, I'll say my sister Eliza. Woah. I just used a real name. When does that ever happen?

Question 16: Why do you admire them?

I admire my sister because she's just so dang unsinkable. I know, I threw her in a pool once. Okay, that didn't really happen. But if it had she'd probably float. She's one of the most determined people to be happy and to just do what's right, to keep at it, and to fight the good fight. She could probably take me out if that's what the good fight required. She might have to use a bazooka, cause I'm solid as a brick, but she could probably do it. She's amazing!

Question 17: What is the perfect gift for you?

For me? If it's from someone I like, probably the gift of a little bit of time. I took the quiz in the "The 5 Love Languages" book. Turns out that my language is quality time. No surprise there, really. I think the best gift you can give is showing someone that you want to spend time with them/have been thinking about them. Coincidently, it's really impressive to me (and I think lots of people) when someone I'm interested in dating shows by what they say or do that they've been thinking about me, without actually saying that they've been thinking about me. That's right, got to work it in there slyly. Clever, like a duck. Like a duck? Seriously, where did that come from? Anywho, if it's a family member, going on a trip exploring the world is marvelous, if it's a friend, just going to do something with me would be the best gift ever. On most days.

Question 18: What can a girl/guy do to make you melt?

Tickle the back of my neck. Seriously, I don't know why, but it makes me want to stop everything I'm doing and just enjoy it. Just to be clear though, if a guy tickles the back of my neck (outside of family, where I'll just say "what the heck?") I'd probably punch him in the stomach. And then apologize profusely. Profusely. How could something just be profuse?

Question 19: What do you think about when you are quiet?

Often nothing at all. Or I think about what I'm looking at. Or I think about the projects of the day. Which sometimes include girls. Not that you should think of girls as projects. Or a hobby. Yeah, girls probably wouldn't like to be referred to as an enjoyable hobby. Maybe I'll try that next time I want someone to be my girlfriend. I'll say "Hey, I spend a lot of time thinking about you and doing stuff with you anyway, would you like to be my most consuming and enjoyable hobby?" I'll let you know how that goes over.

Question 20: What makes you angry the fastest?

Historically it's been when guys mistreat girls, but I'm finding more and more that injustice of any sort from someone who doesn't have any real checks is a flash point for me. I get upset over the sorts of things that political parties do that change the face of the nation, I get upset about people abusing their children, I get upset over spiritual leaders lying to their congregations, I get upset about people who are in a position to change things and are only interested in their own furtherance. Blah! There's so much to do.

Question 21: If you could change anything in your own world, what would it be?

My own world being what I could conceivably change, I think I'd start with my schedule as it currently is. I'd go back to when I was dedicated to going to bed early and getting up early to exercise, study, and be productive from the get go. After that, I'd change my attitude so that I was more courageous to say the things that really matter. Have conversations that make me uncomfortable (does it seem wrong to anyone else that the more uncomfortable something is, the more it seems like we ought to do it? Maybe it's just me), and just be in general more willing to do.

Question 22: What's something that you struggle with?

I struggle with my emotions. And my emoticons. And emus. Mostly, I struggle with understanding my emotions. It feels like I still have a long way to go before I really know myself, and I'm kind of excited for the journey, though I can tell you there's going to be some pretty bumpy parts.

Question 23: What's something that you do well?

I do music well. Yep.

Question 24: Where do you go to feel peace?

Hmmm. There's a lot of places. The mountains, my backyard, anywhere I can sit and be still for a minute, my living room and front room where the pianos are definitely get frequent flyer miles too.

Question 25: Are you actually going to write/answer 100 questions?

Turns out making up one hundred in depth questions is pretty hard/exhausting. I'm pretty burned out here of answering questions about myself, seeing as it's a subject I'd rather not spend too much time divulging. Plus, I'm about to turn 25, so 25 seems like a pretty good number to stop on. So, no, I'm not! Ha ha ha!

If anyone reading this is interested in knowing more, I love answering questions. If they're not my questions, I may even come up with more clever answers.

Ironic

I was doing some blog-cleaning, and I found this lovely little tidbit from a draft that I was working on during the semester but never posted. I wish to share. I don't dream about sharing it, which is good because that means probably my wish is not straight from the heart and doesn't have any sort of Disney connotation with it. Phew!

"I've decided that, in some ways, academia is not actually interested in you learning anything valuable, just in turning out results. Thus I have lots of experiences, but very little time to actually work through them and divulge the secrets that I have learned, because I'm so darned busy reproducing what they've told me that I don't have much time for unstructured learning. That makes me structured. Like a house. Some would say a house of brick. Except I think that's mostly used in reference to girls, which I am not."

Wasn't that fun? This post really isn't about the myriad of rather fun ideas I've had for blogs, this is an ironic blog. Not a clean out the wrinkles, not that kind of a blog, but rather a talk about why the internet/electronic entertainment in general can be a bad thing, or a good thing. Mostly why it can be a bad thing, which makes the fact that I'm posting this on the internet sort of ironed. Ironic.

Anyway, I was thinking today, as I tickled the old ivories (they laughed), that it was amazing how even when I got completely enveloped in a song, and time went by rather quickly, I was fairly cognizant of my surroundings and also of my general situation. How I felt, what I was thinking (mostly about the notes, but you know how it is when you play a song that you've played millions of times before. Or maybe you don't. If you don't, ask me sometime, I'll try to explain. And I'll use my words), who was around, that sort of thing. I can get pretty engrossed while playing the piano.

But, as much as I love playing the piano and as much as I seem to disconnect from the real world, it is nothing compared to the disconnect I have when I'm on the internet, or watching a show on tv, or when I'm playing a video game. That disconnect is so total it renders me, um, stupid. That's right, I'm rendered stupid. If you're a nerd you can laugh now. If you're not a nerd, feel free to laugh. . . now. My sensors shut down and, for awhile, I think that I forget that I exist outside of my basic thinking modulus. Or whateverlus. It's like the world becomes two dimensional. Which is really sad because then I become two dimensional, which is anything but what I really am. Obviously, I must be three dimensional because I can conceive a forth dimension. But not really a fifth. What would that be like? Something that could move more than one direction in space time and something else as well? Maybe energy is a dimension. That'd be weird. No, that can't be it, to simplistic, and we can add and subtract energy all the time. But we can't add total energy. Maybe the universe is expanding because . . .

Woah! Serious digression! Anyway, the point is that electronic media is facilitating me taking away my own depth. I love my depth. I want to keep my depth. I understand why one of the apostles in this last conference said technology could leave you in the cold heart of isolation. Just look at it, we're more connected but feel less so all the time. (How many friends do you have on facebook? Would you be number 505 for me?) The ease of texting has made us lackadaisical in our approach to talking to one another, tv shows portray hookups instead of lasting relationships, and fast food is still nasty a lot of the time. That last one doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying though, it was just fun to say.

I've never been very good at the balancing thing. I seem to go from one extreme to the other. As a kid I would play video games all the time during my free time, until I realized how stupid it was, then I would play nothing at all. Until I decided I wanted to play again, then I would play for a long time again. A vicious cycle, and avoidable if one learns to balance. My suggestion then? Shoot the computer. No, wait, I meant we need to balance. Differences in how we socialize are not always bad, but any extreme always is. I'm tired of trying to build a relationship with someone through text. It's hard to have a friendship built off of bytes.

It's Been Awhile

You know, the title kind of says it all. The truth is that I'm writing this at one o'clock in the morning, when all wise and sane people have gone to bed. The fact that I just finished watching The Sorcerer's Apprentice and How to Train Your Dragon has nothing to do with the fact that I'm writing. Actually, the fact that I saw that other people are writing has to do with the fact that I'm writing. It's been long enough that most people will not read this, after all most people haven't read any of my blogs. Not even most of the people that I know (and that's reducing the number considerably) have read any of my blogs. In fact the number that have read any is pretty small, and the likelihood that they will read this is pretty small as well.

So I pose a question to myself. Do I really believe in the concept of truth prevailing, of goodness winning the day, and that love always seems to come out as the winning emotion? You know, that's an interesting question. Wait, what? No offhand answer? No cry of "Love Conquers All" or whatnot? (what is a whatnot? Or a whonot? Or how about a whosenot? A whonot might be something you'd find in the chocolate factory, though. I'll let Mr. W. Know. (No, not George)) Anyway, I've decided that most stories don't really reveal how complex real life is. And it's not because the decisions are that much more complex in real life. It's because there's a mixing of stories.

I'm kind of curious, when you take brownies out of an oven, what story do those brownies tell? Well, the brownies' story, of course, you say. The fun thing is, the brownies are made out of a lot of separate parts. We don't really tell the story of the sugar, or the chocolate, or the eggs, or the flour, or the whatever else you might add (salt, butter, a hint of vanilla. . .). But, as humans, are we brownies, or are we actually more like the various parts?

I must be pretty tired to be talking like this. I guess that this also has nothing to do with what I really want to say. To answer the question, though, I think love does win, but that's just because I hope to choose it in the long run. Evil can't win, it's not as powerful or pervasive as love. Don't believe me? How many evil people do you know? How many people do you know that fall in love and learn (albeit briefly for some) how to put love before greed? I think the human tendency is to love. Perhaps shallowly, but it's there.

What I really wanted to say was this: it's nice to have people to talk to. By talk I don't mean text. I mean talk to. I think we could all use someone like that. So if you want to talk, let me know, chances are I'm up for it.

A Point of View

I realise it has been well over a year. Hello, Internet.

It's amazing what writing can do. I know full well that at most three people who actually know me will read this, and perhaps two more, even with all the myriads of people who participate in the wonderful world of the www with all the dot-coms attached.

That being said, I still find it therapeutic to write here, as if somehow a shout into the endless noise of the cyber-communications will be heard and felt by some other feeling individual, not by soulless advertisements or unfeeling databases. I probably shouldn't come back into this writing realm by being negatory in my explanatory session, but I've never been good at not doing that, especially when who I'm writing to here may very well be only myself.

As a side note, I'm pretty close to one hundred posts. Maybe I should celebrate some how. . .

My brother got married this week. I've heard lots of people express what they think I should be feeling, or in other words what they expect me to be feeling, and I have to admit most of them have missed the mark. I fully expected to be happy for him, which I am. I fully expected to be glad that he's progressing, which I am. I failed to predict, though, how much it would feel like he's going where I can't follow. In other words, it feels a little like I've lost a best friend.

Which is worse than just silly. He and his new bride will be living close by, and he is my brother. He's not going to be physically going anywhere. So why should I feel like I'm losing a friend? Yest, even with all the reasons of why not to feel this way, I do feel. I needed to say that. It's been an emotional couple of months.

Goodness, I hope I'm not becoming a drama queen.

Action!

I hope nobody takes this blog the wrong way.

And I hope, really hope, that nobody quotes me out of context. Why? Well, because I think I've figured out why I've had such issues with dating, and why it seems that I can never get anyone to be interested in me for longer then it takes for the next hobo Joe to come along. Yes, I am a hobo Joe, and I don't mind admitting it.

Anyway, back to the title. I've figured out what all girls really want. Yep, that's right, all girls really want is action.

Now, before you start thinking I've turned into a cynical guy who thinks that you have to jump straight into kissing for a relationship to work (I don't, by the way. All studies seem to indicate the opposite) let me explain what I mean by girls just want action.

First, I understand that from a scientific point of view, girls are more prone to attachment than guys. I'm not sure I believe this from my own experience, but I've been told that the hormones that girls have actually make them more susceptible to attachment. That's kind of cool, actually, because that gives a pretty strong argument for a monogamous sort of relationship anyway (for girls at least-guys should do it just cause. That's right, I don't need a reason). If you think about it, that means that girls would react well to anything that indicates commitment. Sorry guys, if you really want to get in well with the ladies, you have to be committed. Oddly enough, that's not what guys are hard-wired for, but I guess we can learn.

Second, I've had long and involved discussions with people about the interesting paradox I call the Darcy Paradox. This is in reference to Pride and Prejudice. The majority of girls that I've spoken to have said that they much prefer Mr. Darcy to Mr. Bingley. I don't really understand this, since Mr. Bingley had, for all intents and purposes, a much more impressive resume. I mean, he was kind and gentle, comfortably well off, accomplished, and a good hearted man. Mr. Darcy on the other hand was anything but (okay, at the beginning) gentle and kind. What woman wants to marry a jerk?

For a time, I was borderline obsessed with this idea. Kind of creepy, huh? Anyway, Tolkien boy presented the idea that the reason why so many women prefer the Darcy's in our lives is because they prefer to have control. I didn't totally agree, I would say they like to feel committed to, one hundred percent. Darcy's redeeming quality was that no matter what he did, he couldn't help loving and being committed to Elisabeth. Again, I'm oversimplifying, but there's the point. Girls want words and actions to represent commitment.


You know the phrase, moderation in all things? It's kind of a skewed sort of thing in this case. I've known girls who were delighted when the guy that they liked showed one hundred percent commitment, that called a lot and did a million little things for them. I've known guys that enjoyed it when girls did it for them. Other guys/girls who had partners in crime like that called them clingy. I'm oversimplifying the issue, then, by saying that all girls really want is some action, but I think it's an important point that many guys, well at least me for the first 23 years of my life, have overlooked.

Then there are the players who know all too well how powerful that commitment appearing action is for the womens of the worlds. They've learned to master the art of appearing to commit even though they never do. Meh.

I invite comments, from the four of you who will read this. Oh, and I guess any add companies that for whatever reason decide that my readers want Viagra or some other drug, you can try and comment too!