Let me begin by saying that this blog in no way reflects the opinions of blogspot.com, or any of it's affiliations. It doesn't even necessarily represent my opinions. In other words, you can't sue me. Because I said so. Yeah.
There must be some sort of ten commandments for all college students. Having had a two year departure from the cut and thrust of the social life of college, I must say I was surprised to see what awaited me upon this, my rather rocky reentry to the student scene. But, after having observed the behavior of those more in touch with how college actually works, I have decided that I now know what the first commandment for any college student is.
THOU SHALT NOT SMILE.
This revelation came to me as I walked down the sidewalk, eager to be reaching my new class. Being obsessively yellow, I can't help smiling at all sorts of little things: the birds in the trees, the rocks rolling down the hills, and even the awkward people dotting the landscape, doing their best to find a date. And as I walked, smiling obliviously to myself, I began to realise that apart from people who obviously already found a date, I was the only one smiling. I thought I might try to spread a little of the sunny smile of mine to the world, trying to liven up other people's days with a bright smile. My first victim was a poor, unsuspecting girl, who the moment noticed that I was smiling looked more likely to turn me into the police than actually return the smile. I must admit, it kind of made me wary of trying my good willed teeth out again, but try I had to. So, the next, trying hard not the be genderly discriminating, turned out to be a burly guy, who seemed to have the only fear of being smiled at, because as he noticed me his head whipped to the side, to avoid any and all contact (including the eye type) with the bared teeth walking toward him. Despite discovering a new super power against all surly looking men, I was left perplexed.
And it didn't stop there. As I walked and walked and walked (it was from Spanish to Social Problems, one end of campus to another), I noticed all types of people, and darned if I saw even one person smiling who wasn't engaged in some sort of courting ritual, either through phone or actually in person. As I contemplated this weirdness, I came to the conclusion that I am a heathen unbeliever, and that the grand majority of people seem to know something about college that I do not. And so, I arrived at the conclusion that there really are ten commandments for college. And the first is: thou shalt not smile.
Knowing this gave me all sorts of opportunities for diversion. And I was diverted. From making pretty girls believe that I was initiating a courting ritual (the one and only time I had a have hearted smile returned) to making guys wonder about my sexual preference, I enjoyed myself immensely breaking the first commandment all the day long. Of course, I realised as I did so, that the only exception to this law is if it comes along with adherence to what I then realised was truly the first commandment, THOU SHALT COURT. That being said, I felt free and easy, downright blaspheming the first two commandments, and doing it at the same time. It's great to be an American, isn't it?
It made me wonder what sort of punishment would be affixed to committing such a crime. Perhaps it's just because I'm so yellow, but all I could see as the aftermath of such shameless sinning was a worn out face. Which made for great jokes among my family, with little other affects than slight exhaustion of the facial muscles. I'm sure for those that are involved more heavily in the first commandment, especially in the stage of kissing, this could be a dreadful bother, but I personally don't see much harm in it.
So, if you ever walk the halls of some deserted college, or the uptown of a university village, and see a randomly smiling person, don't worry, he's just some heathen unbeliever, and heaven knows we don't want to be caught with those type of people.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
C-Workers.
An amazing thing happened today. I realised that absolutely no one looks at my blog. This being understood, I can now say any number of completely random and provocative things, without the fear of someone I actually know reading the blog. With, of course, the exception of Tolkien Boy, but seeing as he's used to the provocativeness accompanying my yellowness, it's not really that big of a risk.
On that note, I'd like to inform the world (or at least you Tolkien Boy) that I'm quiting my job tomorrow. It's a liberating feeling. I'll be free from money, free from activity, and the most important, free from my coworkers. Not that I'm excited about it. There's something manly in the way my coworkers belittle me as a sport. I've come to think that belittling ought to be the new reality show, it's just what this world needs.
Sarcasm aside, my coworkers are indeed a source of bafflement for me. They seem to suffer from a large variety of viruses. The type that never go away, or sometimes attack in certain circumstances. Take, for example, what I call the physivirus. This is a nasty little bugger that attacks the common sense vein, closing it off completely, and also increases the output from the manly hormones outputter. This leads to random behavior. Such as obtrusiveness. And abusiveness. But not abusive obtrusiveness. Yeah. Anyway, normally the spikes of said virus are followed by bursts of physical violence, and for reasons unkown, the target is always one Major Bubbles. I find this virus most annoying, especially because it is part of what is called the g group. It only surfaces in large groups. Otherwise, it's quiet tame and tranquile. The problem is, the more people it's around, the worse the viruse becomes. I've contemplated operation on one of my coworkers, he who seems most affected by the virus, but unfortunately that would make it hard, because he's my boss, and that's normally frowned upon.
Another malady, common to my coworkers, is the manly imbalance hormone. This one is practically a killer, because it leads my co's to do all sorts of stupid things. I think that this particular virus was made up by some woman scientist, intent on destroying the manlyness of things (no doubt a feminist), but, as often is the case in these things (I mean, look at Dr. Jekyll), the process went askew and made a virus that removes all natural impediments and protections against said virus. You may catch a co dancing on a twenty foot ladder made of cardboard, or perhaps one drilling into his shoe, or even, my favorite, getting into fist fights. Whatever the cause, it's not a very smart virus, because it seems intent upon destroying it's host. I feel bad for the blue collared society, because it seems to be the most affected by this distressing virus. It's a good thing there's marriage out there, and that this particular disease pushes men towards it, because if not the human, male race would soon be extinct.
Which brings me to my next point. My co's, for whatever reason, seem most content when talking about women. I've still not completely understood this, because as far as I can tell, they think that they're only good for one thing, and that's pleasure. I call this the stupid syndrome. It goes along well with the other things they suffer from. Not subscribing to that particular frame of mind, I am glad to have remained uncontaminated by their diseases.
But, please, if you catch me doing anything overtly manly, please slap me. Sometimes, that's all we need to shake that virus loose.
On a more yellow note, they are, all in all, okay guys, and I can't say that there's nothing I learned from them (for example, I learned the art of spitting), but after all is said and done, I can't wait until Friday. I mean, even my immune system can only handle so much.
On that note, I'd like to inform the world (or at least you Tolkien Boy) that I'm quiting my job tomorrow. It's a liberating feeling. I'll be free from money, free from activity, and the most important, free from my coworkers. Not that I'm excited about it. There's something manly in the way my coworkers belittle me as a sport. I've come to think that belittling ought to be the new reality show, it's just what this world needs.
Sarcasm aside, my coworkers are indeed a source of bafflement for me. They seem to suffer from a large variety of viruses. The type that never go away, or sometimes attack in certain circumstances. Take, for example, what I call the physivirus. This is a nasty little bugger that attacks the common sense vein, closing it off completely, and also increases the output from the manly hormones outputter. This leads to random behavior. Such as obtrusiveness. And abusiveness. But not abusive obtrusiveness. Yeah. Anyway, normally the spikes of said virus are followed by bursts of physical violence, and for reasons unkown, the target is always one Major Bubbles. I find this virus most annoying, especially because it is part of what is called the g group. It only surfaces in large groups. Otherwise, it's quiet tame and tranquile. The problem is, the more people it's around, the worse the viruse becomes. I've contemplated operation on one of my coworkers, he who seems most affected by the virus, but unfortunately that would make it hard, because he's my boss, and that's normally frowned upon.
Another malady, common to my coworkers, is the manly imbalance hormone. This one is practically a killer, because it leads my co's to do all sorts of stupid things. I think that this particular virus was made up by some woman scientist, intent on destroying the manlyness of things (no doubt a feminist), but, as often is the case in these things (I mean, look at Dr. Jekyll), the process went askew and made a virus that removes all natural impediments and protections against said virus. You may catch a co dancing on a twenty foot ladder made of cardboard, or perhaps one drilling into his shoe, or even, my favorite, getting into fist fights. Whatever the cause, it's not a very smart virus, because it seems intent upon destroying it's host. I feel bad for the blue collared society, because it seems to be the most affected by this distressing virus. It's a good thing there's marriage out there, and that this particular disease pushes men towards it, because if not the human, male race would soon be extinct.
Which brings me to my next point. My co's, for whatever reason, seem most content when talking about women. I've still not completely understood this, because as far as I can tell, they think that they're only good for one thing, and that's pleasure. I call this the stupid syndrome. It goes along well with the other things they suffer from. Not subscribing to that particular frame of mind, I am glad to have remained uncontaminated by their diseases.
But, please, if you catch me doing anything overtly manly, please slap me. Sometimes, that's all we need to shake that virus loose.
On a more yellow note, they are, all in all, okay guys, and I can't say that there's nothing I learned from them (for example, I learned the art of spitting), but after all is said and done, I can't wait until Friday. I mean, even my immune system can only handle so much.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A Yellow Beginning!
It's an interesting thing, really, starting a blog. From the mass made templates that absolutely must match our very unique style of writing, personality, and form of being, to the puzzling problem of coming up with an identity clever enough to make others laugh and not be redundant, I've found it a trying event. Add to that the slow speed of my parent's computer, and you have stress in an easy made, just add water kit. Speaking of which, I would like a drink. . .
Of course, to start out, I must describe why Yellow Lives would be my choice of hang out point. Tolkien Boy, the inspiration of my blogging indescretions, often remarks that I am the image of a yellow character. I'm afraid that my writing has the tendancy of betraying that annoying perk of personality, thus making any and all of my writing reflect some sort of yellow character. Of course, I realise that this will be annoying in the utmost to some people, and so I warn you that this blog, if you are determined to be a fan, will be full of yellow lives.
Ugh, how very yellow.
Of course, to start out, I must describe why Yellow Lives would be my choice of hang out point. Tolkien Boy, the inspiration of my blogging indescretions, often remarks that I am the image of a yellow character. I'm afraid that my writing has the tendancy of betraying that annoying perk of personality, thus making any and all of my writing reflect some sort of yellow character. Of course, I realise that this will be annoying in the utmost to some people, and so I warn you that this blog, if you are determined to be a fan, will be full of yellow lives.
Really, though, life as a yellow isn't quite as easy as it may seem. First off, there's the reputation that you must live up to. Do you know how hard it is to be chipper when you find that, after all of your expectations, your goldfish is not a long-liver? Mostly because I can't think of anyway that a thing that looks more like a submerged reptile could ever be passed off as a removable part of the human body. Perhaps I should apologize in advance for horrible humor. After all, this Major Bubbles is recently returned from Mexico as a missionary, and as such my humor is suffering.
But I digress. Really, though, it's so frustrating when everyone says how happy of a person I am, because I feel the obligation to truly be happy. It's annoying, to say the least, that I'm not even allowed to be properly miffed about small things. Mushy cerealy, crummy coworkers, the stress of being single, and over all, the fact that my friends have this tendancy of growing up and leaving me here to my yellowness. It's not easy, being yellow.
Wallowing in self pity aside, I'm glad to finally be starting something I can look at once and awhile. I admit a little fear, after all, I've never been so public as to publish my personal feelings on things over the internet. All of you intrigue lovers, here it is, Major Bubbles has been born, and in the full glow and splendor of the internet!
So, welcome. and in a true yellow beginning, I love you all!Ugh, how very yellow.
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