Uum and I

I was reviewing what I’ve done here, and I came to a startling realization. The blog that had the most comments (whether posted or no) and thereby the greatest impact on people was the blog titled “Major Bubbles needs a date.” It’s disturbing that my best work is done when I’m bemoaning my lack of popularity. Maybe all of those emo people have found out an important entertaining truth. People like to hear about other people’s problems. Perhaps the phrase “Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone.” Is not necessarily true. Perhaps, the truth is that no one wants to weep with you, but they sure do like to hear that you are weeping. Or perhaps that’s an extrapolation of something that’s not really true to begin with. That being that my best work is when I’m bemoaning. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to start out my blog talking about that.

I really like my car. It’s a red Saturn, as I’m sure that many of you who read this are aware, as I take any and all opportunity to tell people about it. After consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I like it so much is because it’s so much like my personality. So, I’ve come up with “Ten Reasons why Uum is like me.” Oh, Uum is my car’s name. It has reference to the sticker on his butt. I’m not like Uum in this regard. I don’t like people looking at my behind, so I normally don’t wear any declarations there. That’s not the case with Uum. It seems that he like people looking at him from behind, so he proudly got his name practically permanently placed upon his backside. I will now proceed with the list.

10. We both make a very unique noise. WM-Star told me that Uum sounded like a golf cart, and though I don’t agree, I concede that he does have a special sound. The combination of a smaller (sorry Uum!) engine and collapsed mount make for a very unique emanation. I’m not that much different. Pelirojo told me that she enjoyed that I make sounds that only a first tenor can make. While that does seem to be an insult to my manhood, the fact remains that Uum and I both make very peculiar sounds.

9. We like things cool. I do not work well in heat. I find myself literally nodding off. I nodded myself right out of a chair once. It’s really embarrassing in a quiet room to suddenly find yourself on the floor, with people looking at you quizzically. Uum’s the same way. He can’t stand the heat. He hates making things cool for others, and complains especially on the hills.

8. We don’t like to be left alone. I swear that he growled at me when I got into him after about a three day absence. That and he turned the radio up on me, so that I nearly went deaf when I turned the ignition. He hates it when I don’t hang out with him. I’m the same way. I love people, and I don’t like being completely alone. That doesn’t mean that I have to have people always. I think I’d go crazy if that were to happen.

7. First gear kills us. Let’s face the facts, here. I don’t think I’ve ever met a car that I liked that was happy with being in first gear. Uum certainly is the same way. When I shift down to first he always complains. In a squeal he reminds me quite forcibly that he does not like first gear. And I can never seem to stay happy unless I’m running full throttle, doing about a million things a day. Actually, it’s only about four things, but they take up a lot of time!

6. We both like music. He has good taste, I have good taste, it’s a mutually benefiting situation.

5. We both require a lot of work. I have to take a shower every day. He has to have a bath every week or so (and a good vacuuming). I have to work out at least three times a week to be happy. I have to take him in for checkups monthly. Either way, I have to spend a lot of money on both of us, and it’s kind of distressing.

4. We both aren’t risky. I mean this in a sensual sense. I am definitely not risky in a sensual sense. I used to go to great lengths to avoid even touching a girl (definitely a clean from cootey freak) and I think that attitude has unhealthily carried over into my current relationships. Either way, a girl can be most assured of a lack of any sort of risk when she’s with me, and actually may become frustrated by my complete lack of closeness altogether (it’s happened before, it could happen again). Uum is the same way. I had Nina tell me that “only a returned missionary would buy a car without a back seat.” Well, Uum doesn’t like to be risky and I don’t like to be risky. It’s a good match.

3. The vitals are there, even if some of the smoothness isn’t. We both go fast, and we both get to where we want to be in plenty of time. The problem is, shifting gears is pretty rough. I once thought that I might be smooth (but never risky) and, while going from fourth to fifth gear (which would put me extremely close to the knee of the person sitting next to me, which is where most likely her hand would be) smoothly slide off the gear shift and grab a hold of the girl at my side’s hand, and ask, in a cool tone “want to help me shift?” Apart from being a horrible pick up line, I have been told recently that this is not smooth. Uum isn’t much better, though. While shifting gears he chokes, jumps, and sometimes dies. I haven’t died while shifting into smoothness mode yet, but choking and jumping is very probable.

2. Girls like us. Even without smoothness girls still like Uum. The first comment I hear from the female gender when they see him is “Nice Car.” I wish girls would say that about me. “Nice guy” or something like that. “Nice body” might be a little risky, though, so I steer away from that (that’s why I only go to the gym three times a week. Or sometimes only two). Anyway, for some reason girls like Uum, and they seem to like me too. Or at least that’s what it says on the strange notes I find on my doorstep every other morning. . .

1. We show empty a long time before we really are. The truth of the matter is, I could probably go about twenty miles on an empty tank. Or maybe even fifty. I’m pretty sure that Uum considers himself empty any time he drops below about three gallons, or a quarter of a tank. I’m the same way. If there is any hunger pain at all, oh boy, am I empty, and I had better get something in me fast or I am going to be grouchy. Both of us understand the need for nourishment, and are willing to make the actions necessary to achieve satisfaction.

Any way you look at it, Uum and I make a great team. And while there are some differences (for instance, he can keep going and going, but I always seem to need a brake), we get along well. That’s why going down the road of life for the time being it’s going to be Uum and me.