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There must be some sort of ten commandments for all college students. Having had a two year departure from the cut and thrust of the social life of college, I must say I was surprised to see what awaited me upon this, my rather rocky reentry to the student scene. But, after having observed the behavior of those more in touch with how college actually works, I have decided that I now know what the first commandment for any college student is.
THOU SHALT NOT SMILE.
This revelation came to me as I walked down the sidewalk, eager to be reaching my new class. Being obsessively yellow, I can't help smiling at all sorts of little things: the birds in the trees, the rocks rolling down the hills, and even the awkward people dotting the landscape, doing their best to find a date. And as I walked, smiling obliviously to myself, I began to realise that apart from people who obviously already found a date, I was the only one smiling. I thought I might try to spread a little of the sunny smile of mine to the world, trying to liven up other people's days with a bright smile. My first victim was a poor, unsuspecting girl, who the moment noticed that I was smiling looked more likely to turn me into the police than actually return the smile. I must admit, it kind of made me wary of trying my good willed teeth out again, but try I had to. So, the next, trying hard not the be genderly discriminating, turned out to be a burly guy, who seemed to have the only fear of being smiled at, because as he noticed me his head whipped to the side, to avoid any and all contact (including the eye type) with the bared teeth walking toward him. Despite discovering a new super power against all surly looking men, I was left perplexed.
And it didn't stop there. As I walked and walked and walked (it was from Spanish to Social Problems, one end of campus to another), I noticed all types of people, and darned if I saw even one person smiling who wasn't engaged in some sort of courting ritual, either through phone or actually in person. As I contemplated this weirdness, I came to the conclusion that I am a heathen unbeliever, and that the grand majority of people seem to know something about college that I do not. And so, I arrived at the conclusion that there really are ten commandments for college. And the first is: thou shalt not smile.
Knowing this gave me all sorts of opportunities for diversion. And I was diverted. From making pretty girls believe that I was initiating a courting ritual (the one and only time I had a have hearted smile returned) to making guys wonder about my sexual preference, I enjoyed myself immensely breaking the first commandment all the day long. Of course, I realised as I did so, that the only exception to this law is if it comes along with adherence to what I then realised was truly the first commandment, THOU SHALT COURT. That being said, I felt free and easy, downright blaspheming the first two commandments, and doing it at the same time. It's great to be an American, isn't it?
It made me wonder what sort of punishment would be affixed to committing such a crime. Perhaps it's just because I'm so yellow, but all I could see as the aftermath of such shameless sinning was a worn out face. Which made for great jokes among my family, with little other affects than slight exhaustion of the facial muscles. I'm sure for those that are involved more heavily in the first commandment, especially in the stage of kissing, this could be a dreadful bother, but I personally don't see much harm in it.
So, if you ever walk the halls of some deserted college, or the uptown of a university village, and see a randomly smiling person, don't worry, he's just some heathen unbeliever, and heaven knows we don't want to be caught with those type of people.
3 comments:
You make me break the first commandment. Dang!
I think it is interesting that you would project on to every one around you that the ONLY reason why any one would ever be smiling was because they were engaging in some from of courting. What does that tell us about you Mr. Nelson? Hu? Hu?
I have absolutely noticed this same thing on my current college campus. Everyone is walking really fast, avoiding not only smiling, but any sort of eye contact or even that stupid half-acknowledging squeezing together of the lips that people so commonly do when they pass strangers. Most people are actually on their cell phones - calling or texting someone they already know that is most likely in the next building over (I admit, I do this too so I don't feel like such a small, unimportant fish in the giant ocean of UVSC).
I also have to say that this rule is not universal. Down at little College of Eastern Utah, population less than a thousand my last semester, everyone was always really friendly and would say hi or comment on a class or something when they passed by you. That's why cities suck and small towns rock!
AMEN BROTHER! Hilarious. And so true.
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