Provoking

"If love is a game, why should I be worried about being a player?"

I understand that one word titles are a good way to go now a days, so I decided to not worry much about the title of this one, and leave it to one word. Does that make me lazy? I probably should not have started with the saying that I did, but it goes well with the title, don't you think? Do you agree with the phrase?

Today, like other Sundays, I was blessed to be in good company with many friends. I was in a choir function type thingy, with plenty of good times to go around for all. The very foundation or reason for choirs necessitates that there be an almost equal number of male and female counterparts, which means that I was blessed with an array of wonderful women. I'm not exactly sure why it is that the choir that I'm in should be blessed with girls who are not only talented but also beautiful, but such is the case. At times like these (as in, on a daily basis) I'm caused to reflect on the various emotions that go screaming through my heart at the speed an emoted electron. Do electrons have emotions? I guess that it's unimportant whether they do or not (I'm guessing most people think no), especially considering that for the current blog, I'm not really interested in electrons, but in the odd workings of my own sometime oversized sometime undersized heart. Yes.

There is a reason why I mentioned the lovely display that almost daily is mine to behold in choir because it gives me the perfect staging area for a thought that I'm going to express. Women and men are different in only a few things, I've heard (though more and more I've been able to note the differences in a much easier way), and those differences cause distinct actions or chemical reactions. It's never chemical actions, it's always chemical reactions (which might explain why certain circumstances have the affects that they do). I've decided that, at least for me, there is something about the chemicals in my body that greatly affect the way I act, especially when it comes to the opposite gender.

I'm enchanted by the women that surround me. Divinity's sense of beauty is nowhere displayed as plainly and evidently as in woman. Only a God could conceive of a creature whose eyes could make your heart stand on end, ready to jump out at any moment and collapse in a heap as an offering to beauty; whose smile is like a drop of sunlight that clears away all the darkness of the soul; who with a tender word can remove all fear and doubt. How could someone's hair evoke images of pureness and herald angels?

What can I say? I'm smitten.

So, here's the odd thing: at various times in my life I have honestly been able to see and appreciate the beauty of women, but at the same time been completely uninterested in knowing any of them any better than I already did. That's not the best way of putting it, let me try a different approach, that also does not really capture the emotion, but will help: I was uninterested in having any sort of deep relationship with any of them. Odd? Yes, I think so; one assumes that closeness is always longed for.

I was explaining this today during my time with the choir, and most people didn't really get the point. It might have been because I first termed this oddity "my periods of sexlessness" (basically, that I had no real sex because I had no real want for emotional attachment. It made sense in my mind, I promise) and later on (as a near suggestion from one of my male friends of the choir) "the male menstrual cycle." Provocative to say, I know, but really I was just trying to come up with a way that was easier for women to compare with. It didn't work. Mostly they (the women of the choir whom I told) were just shocked, and didn't really get the idea at all.

Have you ever got fed up with the members of the opposite gender? Even to the point of a near murder of any true interest in any of their party? I'm sure that both groups have fallen prey to this malicious intruder, and so I hope that the girls who will no doubtably read this will forgive me for saying that such has been the case with me. Not now, necessarily, but it has been the case that I lose interest in any sort of showing of interest at all in the opposite gender. I've ranted before about my particular misgivings about the whole system, so I won't subject any reader who hasn't abandoned me by now to those memories. But the fact remains that a seeming chemical reaction has been produced to kill all real killer instinct, in the relationshipal sense. For me this has lasted up to a year, so something tells me that it's not just a mood swing.

I probably have already devoted to much time to this particular subject, so I will leave it at this: be kind to the opposite gender if they're a little slow to pick up on things. Maybe, just maybe, their chemicals all got together and decided to reject the system altogether, and the person is just trying to work out this odd hormonal imbalance.

This is one of the worst blogs I've ever written. How embarrassing.

Oh, the tangled webs we weave.