Disney Love

As I walked between classes in my usual yellow manner, grinning sheepishly at any and all that passed me by, I was struck by an image that is a growing occurrence at my school. Two people holding hands. This image presented a few interesting questions. First and foremost was “should they be doing that in public?” which was quickly followed by the thought “well as long as they don’t get too mushy with their interdigitation, it ought to be all right.” After all, the guy was holding a slurpee. I can only imagine that this did not produce the most pleasant hand holding experience for the poor girl.

Among the thoughts that crossed my mind as I walked to my class was this one. “Why is it that I am not having that experience?” “What is it about my character that does not allow me to participate in the same sort of thing?” I wish to stress that I am, for the moment not seeking partnership in any way, shape, or form, but it gave me something to think about, and after much thought and deep reflection, I came upon the answer. It’s Disney’s fault. That’s right, all of my social related problems, my unfulfilled dreams and odd expectancies can be traced right down to the day that I was sat down and brainwashed by an hour and a half of pure romantic nonsense. I mean, whose bright idea was it to start giving children their romantic cues and roles at the age of five? I think that there has been some traumatic influence of these movies, and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.

Take for example what we are taught by these movies fasading to be innocent entertainment. First off, they teach us that you will always know, right off the bat, who it is you’re in love with. An example of this is Aladdin. Here’s a girl walking down the street that as far as he knows is just like any other, and the minute he sees her he says “wow,” which in guy talk is loosely translated to “that’s my future wife.” Imagine the impact this had on my unsuspecting childish brain. It has created lots of havoc in my life. Once I saw a girl, any girl, who I thought was remotely pretty, I would have the very natural glandular reaction of having a crush on her. Can you imagine being in love at first sight with twenty girls at the same time? My poor brain was overloaded, and my glandular system wasn’t looking to hot, either. I’m pretty sure that it shut down completely for awhile, which might explain why I never had a girlfriend in High School. Do you see what it did to me? That was only one movie. If you look at Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, all of them teach the same basic thing. You will know the first time you meet someone that she (or he, for our feminine audience) is the one for you. This is craziness! I’ve tried it, and trust me when I say that girls don’t like being told upon first acquaintances that they will be your future spouse, I’m telling the truth. I have a permanent handprint on my face as proof.

Which leads me into my next point. It’s not a given that the girl you fall for will fall for you. I defy any reader to come up with a Disney show that shows that the two parties involved weren’t mutual in their feelings, with the possible exception of Beauty and the Beast. Normally both parties feel that it’s a great idea, and that they should get hitched at the earliest possible moment. Not only is this a bad dating policy, it’s not very realistic. I find that the majority of the time the people that I fall in love with have no idea that I even exist, and I’m left to wander the earth, bitter at having a love unheard and unfelt by others. Oh, woe is me.
And I’m only getting started. Another example of things that are best not learned from Disney would be this. The one you fall in love with will always be someone really nice. Every single stinking movie shows the man always falling in love with a nice girl. The only exception from this rule for woman is Beauty and the Beast, but considering that that movie teaches the fable that all beasts will someday become good if not particularly physically appealing princes. (No, I didn’t come up with that opinion by myself, I’m repeating the opinion of girls I have heard express frustration at the lack of beauty in the changed beast). This doesn’t happen! Okay, maybe one out of two million jerks become good guys, but I feel sorry for all of the poor wonderful princesses out there who get tied up with beasts, in the hope of a mediocre looking good prince.

But, I digress. I was talking about how in every Disney movie, it’s always the nice people who fall in love with each other. I don’t get that, because the only time I ever could say I approached being in love, it turns out the girl was a bit nasty. I learned from those movies that if I ever did fall in love with someone on the first sight, I would be able to trust that girl until death do us part and beyond. Yeah, didn’t work. I mean, I could go on and on about the traumatic experience this was. If you really want to know, talk to any of my female friends who were around for the time period. I’m sure that they’d love to tell you what a jerk this girl was. Isn’t it great how the opposite gender (opposite of mine, of course) can travel the news and get the warning out that your love isn’t a Disney love?

If you take the example of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, you get a whole new principle just rife with problems. The people you will fall in love with (if you haven’t already) will walk in on you at exactly the right moment. The moment when you are showing what’s best about you, you’re loving nature, you’re beautiful voice, whatever it may be, when you are portraying it that’s when love will appear. Then proceeds the moment of initial embarrassment at being found out in your goodness, and the love loves you even more for it. I personally find that the opposite is more often true for me. I find that girls I like have this tendency to walk in when I’m doing something damaging to my character, such as picking my nose or drooling in my sleep. (For those females who may be reading this, I do not pick my nose, often, and as far as drooling, I don’t think they’ve come up with a cure for that, so I feel I can admit it without shame) I reclaim Disney for giving me a false sense of security when indulging in these things, sure that someone attractive will never ever find me doing them. Of course they do, which just goes to show you can’t really trust that old wall of the “indecent screen of invisibility” and that unfortunately people really will see if you do something unbecoming.

Though I could go on and on, I think that I’ll wrap this up with a thrashing of one movie in particular. How about The Little Mermaid. Starting off, I learned from this movie that you could make someone fall in love with you using your voice. From this knowledge I formulated a plan that I would use in High School in search of love. I would improve my voice. After years of practice and improvement, I whipped out my voice at any chance I could. It is with dejection that I tell you that it doesn’t work. I have not yet enchanted anyone, and the prospects for the future are not very bright. Imagine my disillusionment. Next, I learned that you could get away with being rude at the table, as long as you were thought to be foreign, deaf, or otherwise handicapped (not that being foreign is a handicap.) I tried that once on my mission. I have to say, the mission president’s wife wasn’t very impressed. Moving along in the movie, I learned that living in the house of your future spouse is okay, which would lead me into a moral discussion that I’d rather not touch, but you can see the affects that that train of thought might bring. I learned that first kisses are always romantic, and even fish will start singing in joyous harmonies when the blessed moment arrives. Even though it hasn’t arrived for me, I’m told that it normally doesn’t work out like that, and that it’s normally a lot more awkward than anything. And, as Tolkien Boy would say, awkwardness abounded.

I could go on and on. But, I won’t because you’re tired of reading, and I think I’ve proved my point. Even with this newfound understanding about the gaps in my social education that I received at the hands of a merciless TV, I have to admit that I will probably make that a part of my future children’s education. That is, if I can overcome these romantic flukes and actually find someone to love me I will. Then again, if one of my future child’s glandular system explodes one day from being overused, I might never forgive myself.

Aware of the very rare chance that some sort of Disney affiliate might read this, I must say that I really love you guys, and that this is no way an assertion of hate, or intent to harm the production of your company. Please don’t sue me. I don’t have any money anyway. Really!