I realise it has been well over a year. Hello, Internet.
It's amazing what writing can do. I know full well that at most three people who actually know me will read this, and perhaps two more, even with all the myriads of people who participate in the wonderful world of the www with all the dot-coms attached.
That being said, I still find it therapeutic to write here, as if somehow a shout into the endless noise of the cyber-communications will be heard and felt by some other feeling individual, not by soulless advertisements or unfeeling databases. I probably shouldn't come back into this writing realm by being negatory in my explanatory session, but I've never been good at not doing that, especially when who I'm writing to here may very well be only myself.
As a side note, I'm pretty close to one hundred posts. Maybe I should celebrate some how. . .
My brother got married this week. I've heard lots of people express what they think I should be feeling, or in other words what they expect me to be feeling, and I have to admit most of them have missed the mark. I fully expected to be happy for him, which I am. I fully expected to be glad that he's progressing, which I am. I failed to predict, though, how much it would feel like he's going where I can't follow. In other words, it feels a little like I've lost a best friend.
Which is worse than just silly. He and his new bride will be living close by, and he is my brother. He's not going to be physically going anywhere. So why should I feel like I'm losing a friend? Yest, even with all the reasons of why not to feel this way, I do feel. I needed to say that. It's been an emotional couple of months.
Goodness, I hope I'm not becoming a drama queen.
3 comments:
I bet it has been an emotional couple of months. You have every right to feel the way you do. Even though they are remaining close, it is a separation; a loss, if you will. You have to experience a type of mourning. It's inevitable after changes like these. In a way, you are losing a friend. But you're gaining a sister-in-law!
Of course you are happy for your brother and of course you are glad he's progressing. You are his brother and as such you want what's best for him. You see the good and ultimately that's what you want for him. Feeling like you can't follow...well, you can't. Not in the sense I'm thinking. By all means, you can get married and "follow" him in that step. But his priorities are focused on his wife and their eventual family (as it should be).
I have a very close family. But let me tell you, at family parties it's not quite the same. Sure we have fun and it can feel like "old times". We try to get together whenever we can, but life has moved in a different direction for them. They have spouses and children to focus on. That's when individuals like us (ahem...singles) have to focus on bettering ourselves and being the best aunts and uncles we can be!
But don't worry! Being a drama queen can be fun! I should know. ;)
I think any time a relationship shifts, at least one of the participants feels loss of some sort. Redefining relationships in the context of marriage (especially when that marriage is not your own) is always difficult and has nothing to do with feeling joy for someone you love.
Add to that the fact that there is now someone else in your brother's life who will, and must, take precedence over you--someone you did not choose, but must now accept and love. This is not the romantic view of things--it is, however, the truth.
Something to think about: For awhile you'll feel a separation from your brother. This is necessary as he bonds with his wife, but still can be painful and a bit lonely. But sooner than you might guess, you'll come together again. You are his brother--this is not a niche a wife can fill and people have deep needs for different types of relationships. The two of you share a history which will not be erased, and you'll share in each others future, whatever that might bring.
In the meantime, I think it's good to acknowledge in writing or otherwise, the discomfort which comes with changing relationships. I believe it's essential to talk about feeling loss and loneliness.
And it's not silly. Regardless of proximity, your brother has experienced a life change which affects you and your life. To be able to admit this--to write about it--to accept it--takes courage. The emotional stuff will probably continue for awhile. I think that's probably okay.
I don't think this is remotely ridiculous. While I don't remember feeling this way when my younger sister first got married (probably because her husband just always fit in so well), I felt this way a few weeks ago when she announced her pregnancy.
Talk about feeling as though somebody you are close to is going someplace you're unable to follow...
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