Church

Not everyone is confident enough in their masculinity to admit to certain things. Which, as it turns out, is a good thing, considering that if women became confident enough in their masculinity it would just mess up the entire social setting to which I have grown accustomed and to some degree have learned to survive in. But, that being said, not all men are confident in their masculinity to admit to the facts of life that might be considered all together not nearly masculine enough. In order to ensure all of my readers that I am, indeed, very masculine and have no conflictions about such thing, allow me to do a little pig speak and make some rather manly guttural sounds.

Grunt! Grunt! Snort! Grunt! Arrr!

Okay, the last one is worthy of being debated as to whether or not it truly is a manly guttural sound, as both the arr sound is not all that guttural and the arr is also used by both female and male pirates alike. Oh well, I'm hoping that you, the reader, are appeased and will not doubt my manhood after I make a rather unsuprising admission. But I'm not going to let you into the show.

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night. The long one. By myself. And I liked it. I really have no qualms about admitting this, because the truth is that anyone and everyone ought to enjoy it, or at least anyone who enjoys the display of human follies. Either way, it was a romp, and I had a good time.

And now, on to the actual blog!

There are many things in life that are repeated so often as to become almost unconsciously familiar. Or as in we're so familiar with them we're almost unconscious. The problem is, in some of those situations, being truly unconscious is a very, very bad thing. Even being unconscious of the situation, a common and understandable enough occurrence, can lead to some rather sticky situations, speaking both metaphorically and literally. When it comes to being in church, unconsciousness to both the situation and unconsciousness in general is a sure fire way of having some very good people having the time to make their own little jokes, and even finding a little humor in an otherwise common setting.

Take for example, the man who sits in front of the congregation. Or woman, for that matter, though I have observed that for the most part it is a man who is more likely to forget the situation, being so very familiar with it, and begin to do some very odd things indeed. Said man, in front of the congregation, would be thought to be uncomfortable enough, with one hundred eyes watching with differing degrees of interest, to actually pick his nose. I have noted, however, that some, especially if they be of the younger variety, have not seemed to uncomfortable with displaying the insides of their nostrils to the entire congregation. Worse is when they then ingest said nostrily entrails. Which sounds nasty, even to me. I have seen it happen, though. So take care, it could happen to you.

Another is when people find the speaker addressing the congregation to be of such a familiar tone as to be almost as bad as early morning classical jazz radio show hosts, those who are hired if and only if they have the capacity of making a hummingbird fall dead asleep in mid flight. Then if happens that those people slowly, ever so slowly, succumb to the sultry sounds of sleep. This is bad for two reasons. One, it's very possible that people who give in and sleep peacefully will begin to snore. If you don't think this happens, just look around next time you're in church. Someone is bound to have their head down, and is also just as likely to jerk upright suddenly, elbowed by either a concerned parent or by an embarrassed wife.

But snoring isn't the worst of it. Oh no, the worst is when drool begins to escape. It's silent, and therefore twice as deadly. Once someone has drooled, the damage is done, and no amount of elbowing will fix it. There will be forever, or for the next ten minutes, a wet spot at the top of the collar or tie (I'm assuming it's a man. I'm not sure, would it be a west spot on the necklace or neckline of a woman?) of said slow spitter (that's what drooling is, right? Slow spitting?). This will invariable lead to some interesting second glances and, of course, the knowing smile and repressed snicker. Which has nothing to do with candy bars.

There are other general no nos and human foibles that come to play at the churchy time. Parents actually admitting they're addicted to graham crackers or gummy worms (or cheerios. That's a famous one too.). The tabu talk surrounding a reported single person sitting awfully close to another single person (believe it or not, I heard someone pronounced to be thinking of marriage, based solely on the closeness of their sitting position to the girl they were sitting by). And I'm sure there are many others that I can't think of.

I think I'm going to go have some graham crackers now.