Insanity

Anyone who is familiar with this blog will no doubt recognize that many times these blogs come at a time when in order for me to achieve peacefulness with my own soul and passions I must take the time to write them down; to poke fun of them at times, and to cry about them at others. I like to put a happy face to the things that I do. I like to seek out what's best. I try my darndest to not show the slightest sign of unhappiness, and though to my mother there are tale tell signs of my discontent that show through like the sun burns through the morning mist, I find that the majority of people are incapable of seeing the truth, or at least commenting on it. I don't mean to alarm anyone while I say this. The truth is that the majority of the time I'm depressingly cheerful and happy. The problem is, the Lord has been so kind to me and let me be so happy, that the moment that I choose not to follow that particular pattern of thought, I find myself battling for all I'm worth. I'm afraid that I lack many necessary armaments to deal with that type of feeling. So, I normally let it go. It doesn't sit well with my stomach anyway.

But, that is just a slight tie into what I feel must needs to be discussed tonight. Yes, it is way past my normal bedtime, and I will no doubt be paying for this slight infraction upon my sleeping habits tomorrow morning, but I decided that since it's Friday night and I neither have a place to go nor am I dressed up to go there (to nowhere, I mean), I might as well take the time to present some interesting thoughts.

I heard once, thanks to the enigmatic (if that is a word) figure of Dilbert, that insanity is indeed the repetition of one action in particular in the hope that it will some day produce different results. In the light of such a revelation, I hereby declare myself insane. Not only insane, illogical, though in all reality they are synonyms for most people. Honestly, I have the tendency to futilely repeat myself over and over again, with the hope that something different will occur that has not happened before.

For instance, I act the same every single day. I get up, go to school, come home, eat some lunch, go to work, come home, spend time either with my friends, the piano, the gym, or the TV (though the last is rarity) and then go to bed at the unearthly hour of 11:00. And yet, I believe that someday I will get a better job. Does it not sound insane to you all? To go on, never requesting a raise, never using the means at my disposal to actively be seeking a job and yet believe that things will improve seems to me the very definition of insanity. And of course I'm just getting started. Knowing me, I have to throw in something about relationships, so I might as well just get it out of my system and say that the same holds true for my relationships. Even though I know that my actions have not procured the type of reaction that I wish for from someone that I like, I will continue to act the same way toward them. I normally have deep emotional beatings after such encounters with the opposite sex, which can be taxing. My point is that, even though I know that it's not working, I keep doing it anyway. Crazy. If you throw in schooling, friendships, hopes about finding a career path, you have a complete case for my insanity

I can still reason about it, though. Maybe that means I'm not crazy. Edgar Allen Poe would probably back me up on this. About the only hope that I have that I'm not really crazy is that I can still be rational about it. Though, in the case of Poe's tell-tale heart character, he started hearing a heart throb, though there was no sound. I guess my point is that if you see me fighting with my head, I'm just trying to get the wishful thinking out.